Let’s Rant About Mega Toilet Paper Rolls

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Dear friends,

Here at Happy Simple Living, we are not afraid to flush out the big, pressing issues that face our nation. Which is why we have bravely plunged into the issue of mega toilet paper rolls.

Most major t.p. manufacturers now sell Colossus Mega-Jumbo Magnum rolls containing 4 TIMES!! the sheets of a regular roll. (As we all know, today’s ‘regular roll’ contains approximately 14 squares.)

Is this claim true? Do we consumers really want these fatter rolls — even though they no longer fit in the holders?

My friends, you are an intelligent bunch. When you see those packages, do you feel happy because you’re getting an even greater value in your toilet paper purchases?

Or do you feel cranky because you’re paying more bucks for fewer squares?

Sometimes I wonder if toilet paper manufacturers think our brains are full of ultra soft cotton.

This is definitely a #FirstWorldProblem, but these Hercules-sized rolls do not fit in any of our holders. Furthermore, our neighborhood grocery store has stopped selling normal rolls, and now sells only Mega-Colossus-Jumbo-Big Ole’ Honkin’-Magnum rolls.

Guaranteed To Fit

I recently purchased several packages of Quilted Northern Ultra Soft & Strong, as the company’s wood and fiber sourcing practices are certified by the Sustainable Forestry Initiative.

Sustainability was part of my decision, but the other reason was this compelling promise printed on the package:

“Guaranteed to fit your roll holder or your money back.”

Bolstered with confidence, I bought the package and breathlessly ran upstairs to install a roll. The funny thing is that there is at least an inch of space on either side of the roll, but I had to use a shoehorn to get the roll in the holder.

Once in, it would not turn. For obvious reasons, this presents a problem. As you can see, the top of the roll is wedged in the holder:

In the interest of getting a handle on this issue, I decided to take advantage of the company’s money-back guarantee.

When I visited the site, however, I was disappointed to see not an offer for cash back, but an offer for a free “Roll Extender.”

The value of the free roll extender was “$2 – $3” according to the site.

(Side note: Is it me, or does this whole Mega Roll Extender thing sound just a little naughty?)

Clearly, if I wanted to actually use my new Quilted Northern toilet paper, I would have to get their gadget. The instructions required me to write “the reason you would like a roll extender” on a piece of paper.

This is an excellent question from the Quilted Northern Quality Control team. Because, what could possibly be the reason?why a person would need an extender?

Could it be that the #%$?@&! Colossus Jumbo Mega Grande Magnum toilet paper roll doesn’t fit in the holder??

<<deep breath, deep cleansing breath, inhale peace, exhale stress, serenity now!>>

Anyhow, I dutifully assembled my proof of purchase, receipt, and required explanatory letter, and sent it off.

Then the waiting began. Nine weeks passed, with no sign of my Roll Extender. Every time I ran to the mailbox and came up empty-handed, I felt like Ralphie from The Christmas Story waiting for his Ovaltine decoder ring to arrive.

After so many disappointing daily trips to the mailbox, I wondered if the Quilted Northern people had forgotten about me and my Roll Extender.

Looking for Answers

Sometimes big brands’ social media managers seem to reply more quickly to customer service requests, so I decided to reach out and touch someone via the Quilted Northern Facebook page.

Before I sent my message, I officially “Liked” the page. The header photo features an enviable prototype toilet paper holder (probably invented by Elon Musk) that perfectly fits the Quilted Northern mega roll. Jealous!!

The moment I clicked the “Like” button, Facebook helpfully alerted all of my friends and family members about my new passion.

Feeling heady, I sent off my inquiry. Sure enough, the social media manager responded quickly. (It pays to be the Facebook fan of a t.p. company.) The note read: “Hi Eliza, thanks for contacting us. Let us reach some of our internal teams and see what we can do. We will get back to you soon!”

Woah. Not only was I getting personal service, but the INTERNAL TEAMS of Quilted Northern were getting involved. Talk about having friends in lofty places!

A few days later, the package I had been awaiting for ten weeks finally arrived with a nice letter and my very own $2-$3 value Roll Extender.

I could hardly wait to try it!

I won’t keep you in suspense any longer. The Roll Extender worked.

We could now actually turn the Mega Toilet Paper roll, thus providing that all-important access to the tissue.

The only downside? The Roll Extender is white plastic, which doesn’t match the chrome holder, and it has the Quilted Northern logo printed in the “gap” area.

With a roll in place, you see the letters “TED” and “ERN.” Whenever I see his name, I like to imagine that Ted Ern is the kindly inventor of the Roll Extender.

So the extender works, but it’s unattractive. Do we choose aesthetics or utility, my friends? This is a conundrum that has plagued mankind through the ages, from the design of stone tools and wooden teeth to Quonset huts and men’s sandals.

Miracles Do Happen

UPDATE: You’ll never guess what happened. After I wrote this post, I was contacted by the Canadian company Teravan.

Teravan manufactures an extender that’s actually attractive! You can probably imagine the swirl of excitement I felt when they offered to let me try their products. (Move over, Khloe Kardashian! There’s a new “influencer” in town.)

Teravan’s white and chrome extenders have a decided designer feel:

The best part of all? After installing one of Teravan’s snazzy adjustable toilet paper roll adapters, the roll actually turns! One can actually access the paper!

This is clearly a revolution — or should I say a turning point? — in modern TP history.

 

How About You?

Do you love or loathe this new trend? Do you long for the good old days of Double Rolls? Or do the Mega Honkin’ Extra-Grande Texas Sized Big Ole’ Boy toilet tissue rolls fit just fine in your holders?

How long will it be before a rogue manufacturer offers a roll with 5 times the sheets of a regular roll?

Also: Do you think that perhaps I need to take up a new hobby?

I’d love to hear from you, and together we’ll get to the bottom of this important tissue issue.

Your devoted TP Access Advocate,

P.S. Thanks to Miles Goodhew for being a good sport and letting us use his photo, which was taken on the day his regular glasses were being repaired, as a stand-in for Ted Ern.